Someone please help me I’m about to give birth, to a fecal baby of astonishing girth.

It’s been over 24 hours since my last delivery, why it’s taken so long is some kind of mystery.

The turd has been kicking all of this morning, even when I opened eyes and started yawning.

But now its begun and I’m in fecal labour, I don’t think I’m ready for the smell or the flavour.

This pain is not normal and I’m starting to swear, I can actually feel my anus start to tear.

I’m banging on the walls to get some relief, someone please do something… you son of a biiiitch.