Ever planted your palm on the opposite wall?
While wiping away the brown once and for all?

Well, picture this scene as I explain my pain.
This is the story of how my butthole was maimed.

My usual toilet tissue had been run off the shelves.
Something about assholes thinking only of themselves.

I had to substitute it for kitchen paper towel.
It was still soft, but the texture made me howl.

So I decided to switch to an old oily rag.
The grease helped but the feeling made me gag.

Then I found some wrapping paper, the soft crinkle kind.
But the crispness was rough on my tender behind.

Next I found some harsh printer paper.
I can tell you, this turned me into a hater.

And when sandpaper was all I could find in the house…
I become as frightened as a poor little mouse.

Trembling, I held the sandpaper against my cheeks.
In my head, I already heard the painful shrieks.

How could this be my very last resort?
It was time to do a backdoor abort!

Now I have a policy so my rectum won’t get mauled…
I’m totally free from pain cos I don’t wipe at all!