Ever planted your palm on the opposite wall?
While wiping away the brown once and for all?
Well, picture this scene as I explain my pain.
This is the story of how my butthole was maimed.
My usual toilet tissue had been run off the shelves.
Something about assholes thinking only of themselves.
I had to substitute it for kitchen paper towel.
It was still soft, but the texture made me howl.
So I decided to switch to an old oily rag.
The grease helped but the feeling made me gag.
Then I found some wrapping paper, the soft crinkle kind.
But the crispness was rough on my tender behind.
Next I found some harsh printer paper.
I can tell you, this turned me into a hater.
And when sandpaper was all I could find in the house…
I become as frightened as a poor little mouse.
Trembling, I held the sandpaper against my cheeks.
In my head, I already heard the painful shrieks.
How could this be my very last resort?
It was time to do a backdoor abort!
Now I have a policy so my rectum won’t get mauled…
I’m totally free from pain cos I don’t wipe at all!