Mikey and Poopheads

Age 4 years and 3 months

Daryl was again tearing toys from the hands of others. They cried.

Mikey frowned and vaguely wondered why Daryl did that.

The teacher glanced in their direction but didn’t do anything.

And Mikey wondered about that too.

Back at home, Mikey told his dad of the incident. When Mikey finished, his dad merely waved his hand and said, “Some people are just poopheads.”

Mikey wanted to ask what bad people had anything to do with what goes into the toilet but remained quiet.


Age 7 years and 1 month

Lawrence was smacking people for no reason. At least none that Mikey could see.

He stepped in. “Stop picking on people.”

“Stop picking on people,” Lawrence repeated in a girly voice.

Mikey threw a punch. The boy collapsed and started crying, his face in his hands.

“Michael!” yelled Miss Wilson.

“But he started it,” retorted Mikey.

“That doesn’t make it right.”


Miss Wilson didn’t answer.

When his mum came to pick him up at 3:36 pm, Miss Wilson “had a word” with her. Mikey wondered why the singular was used when Miss Wilson clearly had more than one word.

Anyway, Mikey told his folks the entire story at home during dinner. At least he got a chance to tell his side of things.

“Some people are just like that,” said his mum sternly. “Ignore them next time.”

“Yeah, shitheads are everywhere,” his dad added with his mouth mostly full.

Mikey was about to ask his mum how that method would solve any problem but decided to chew his food in silence. And still he pondered what bad people had anything to do with shit. He supposed their attitude did stink.


Age 15 years and 3 months

In the corridors, when most were meandering to their next class, Mikey observed Lawrence shoving other male students and feeling up females. Lawrence then approached Mikey, put his arm around Mikey’s shoulder and smiled like they were buddies before shooting his other arm across. But Mikey managed to tightly hold onto his books. For a moment, he was a little uncomfortable with what he considered to be a homosexual move but simply shrugged as the bully casually walked off.

Back at home, Mikey decided to finally ask the question which had burned in his heart for years. “Dad, why should one ignore shitheads? That tactic doesn’t work cos they keep on being shitheads.”

His dad was reading the newspaper and didn’t look up. “Well—”

“Watch your language,” said his mum. “Always report them to the teachers.”

“But they don’t do anything,” Mikey answered.

His dad kept his eyes on the newspaper. “Whatever you do, don’t get in trouble. Shitcunts will always try to make you look like the instigator.”

No shit. Well, according to his dad, there was plenty metaphorically. Either way, Mikey didn’t actually say that. And now he had more questions. At his age, there was very little he hadn’t heard before when it came to foul language but still, he wondered why bad people were associated with anatomical references on top of excrements.

Despite all that, Mikey smirked for he had an idea.


Age 15 years and 4 months

Mikey watched Lawrence enter the toilets. He had noted it was his habit to go towards the end of lunchtime, although not always alone. Today, he was. Mikey waited a few seconds before following. After all, if Lawrence acted like they were “friends” before picking on him, then he had no shame in pulling the same move in return. Didn’t men talk and bond at the urinal? Well, not Mikey but it was as good as excuse as any.

He tiptoed up to Lawrence who was indeed relieving himself at the trough urinal.

“Fancy meeting you here,” said Mikey.

Lawrence didn’t even get a chance to turn when Mikey kicked him in the back, sending him face-first into the urinal. Hard. Then, picking up Lawrence by the still-dry part of his shirt, Mikey dragged the bastard to the stall in which he had took a massive dump earlier but accidentally on purpose left without a proper flush. He shoved Lawrence’s head into the bowl, let him marinate a bit before flushing. Mikey still didn’t know the etymology of faecal and sexual references in personal insults but, to clear it up for himself, he made it literal for this shitcunt.

And the smell was awful.


Age 25 years and 2 months

The new guy walked into the meeting with his chest puffed up and begun his verbal diarrhoea. But before falling asleep, Mikey thought the shitface looked familiar. It was… he was… Daryl. Just bigger and in a suit but still evidently full of it.

Well, Mikey would just have to deal with this piece somehow.


By Guest Pooet, Joey Pooey Toey

Pure Pooetry

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