I wipe, therefore I am.
While eating a chunk of spam.
Or as I jog down the street.
And even dancing to a beat.
I do it wherever I can.

Ever done the wipe squat?
Admittedly it’s not sexy or hot.
Get your ass close to the ground.
Imagine sitting on an ant mound.
Then clear out that rectal snot.

What about the two handed reach?
Used to clear out your rectal leech.
One hand does the wiping sleek.
Other pulls apart the other cheek.
Leaving your gold mine to breach.

If you’ve made the biggest error of all.
Paperless, you’ve just planted in the stall.
You’ll regret the moment your ass give birth.
Even if it’s a satisfying, mighty girth.
There’ll be no wiping for you after all.